TinYAP 024 — Self-Deprecation, a Social Disease That Ruins Peoples’ Lives

AAaaaaargghhhhh!

We hurt, we hurt, we hurt, we hurt, we hurt!!!!!

We are frustrated beyond belief, but we cannot push our frustration off on our readers, or on Tina, that would be unfair.  However, if we wanted to blame someone other than ourselves, then perhaps our readers or Tina are people whom we might blame for some of our pain and frustration.

This may have a lot to do with our frequent episodes of writer’s block, or why so many of our relationships fail.

With regard to our readers, there are always these nagging comments disparaging us by belittling our work or calling us crazy.  Some of our readers have left nasty comments in the past; some of our earlier critics have even punctuated their criticisms with their fists.

Perhaps we have learned from the responses of other people to imagine additional criticism because we seem to hear many people continue to criticize us, even when we are ‘alone’.  Either way, we experience a lot of pain and anguish trying to address complaints about our work regardless of whether these complaints originate with one or more of ourselves, or whether they originate with other people, some of whom may be our current readers.

With regard to Tina, we do not hate Tina, we love her; however, our frequent anger issues often nonconsciously motivate us to hurt Tina in subtle ways that she may often seem not to notice, but which make us feel bad whenever we catch ourselves being mean.

We do not want to hurt Tina, but we also do want to reward Tina either for hurting us or for hurting herself.  Instead, we prefer to try to cope with our feelings without talking to Tina about them because we think our feelings are really our own personal responsibility. 

We might want to talk to Tina about our feelings, however Tina has defense mechanisms that make this seem nearly impossible.  We do not know how to talk to Tina without activating her defense mechanisms.  Even if we believe we are not trying to blame Tina or attack her, Tina reflexively, habitually assumes that she is at fault and promptly punishes herself, interrupting anything we might hope to say.

This is a defense mechanism because Tina anticipates we will say something that somehow criticizes her or blames her and then, rather than wait to hear us out, she immediately cuts us off by saying something that blames or punishes herself.  She defends herself from hearing us say something bad about her by saying something bad about herself first.

This is still not another paradox, this is just another case of how things really are.  Sadly, it is not just Tina who hurts herself like this, possibly everyone we have ever met hurts themselves like this from time to time.

Our ex, Kelly, used to demand we take responsibility for our issues, she also demanded we talk to her, but as nearly as we can tell, what she really wanted was to absolve herself of responsibility for her own issues by pushing them off onto us.  This seems to us to have contributed to our divorce.

Of course, being bat-shit crazy might be another one.

<shakes head>

We do not want to marry or divorce Tina, however, we suspect she would like to marry us and only tells us she does not want to marry us because she knows we do not want to marry.

Alas, we suspect Tina re-words our desire not to get married to mean it as if we do not want to marry her, Tina, specifically because of some fault with her.  We think Tina takes it as some sort of insult or condemnation that we do not want to marry, but we see marriage as a very different business than most people may see it.

Marriage is not strictly a union of two people, it is also a union with the culture or cultures of the people being married.

Our rejection of marriage has more to do with our rejection of our own native cultures, it has nothing to do with Tina as a person, particularly as someone whom we dearly love.

Also, a marriage deserves the participation of two families, and our relationships with our own families are terrible.  We still do not feel like we belong to any family, society or culture; we are a severely alienated person (or persons, if you are kind enough to allow us to define ourselves not as you may prefer to define us, but instead, as we choose to define ourselves).

Anyways…

No one on earth can change us; if any change is possible, then that change is something we must learn how to create for ourselves.

People on earth may try to change our circumstances or labels, they may try to change their relationships with us, but those things may only affect us, they cannot change us.

Consequently, we know we cannot change Tina, we can only hope she is capable of changing herself.  Of course, even if Tina wanted to change, it may be the case it is not possible for Tina or anyone to change themselves.  However, this is not a case we find it at all useful to contemplate.

Some people assert it is impossible for anyone to change themselves, so we must sometimes consider that however much we may wish to change ourselves, it may be the case that we are really powerless to do so.

However, if we are indeed powerless to change ourselves then it may be pointless to proceed; therefor, if we wish to proceed we must choose to believe it is possible to change ourselves, regardless of whether it may really be possible to do so or not.

One thing we wish Tina could change about herself is her habitual self-deprecations.  We have tried to talk with her about this, but she says she can’t change this.

If it is possible for her to change this, then she must either be mistaken or she may be lying.

However, if it is possible for Tina to change and she is mistaken, then she is also correct.  This is not a paradox, Tina may make it impossible to change herself by believing it is impossible, and then by choosing not to try.

We would prefer to believe Tina is simply mistaken.  We would prefer to believe Tina would like to change.

Tina abuses herself every day in countless ways with her self-deprecations.  We cannot really find fault with Tina over this, we believe Tina was taught to be this way.  We prefer to choose to believe Tina can still learn to love herself and be happy with herself.

We know there are many things Tina would like to change about her circumstances, but these are not the things she needs to change most.  A person who knows how to be happy and content with themselves can be happy or content in any circumstances.  What Tina most needs to change are the cognitive habits she uses to make herself unhappy, habits which may make her miserable regardless of her circumstances.

Unfortunately, Tina is suffering from a communicable social disease, a cognitive disease she learned from other people.

We have yet to meet anyone who is not sick with this disease to some degree, in some manner or another, and we have met a lot of people.  We spent four years as a psychic reader working with various psychic fairs, traveling a three state working region through four different states.

This cognitive disease is passed down to every generation, it may be pointless to try to determine its origins, however we do hope it may be possible to determine how to end it.

Self-deprecation has some useful social functions, such as making a painful or embarrassing point without directly offending someone who may cause harm to the speaker in retaliation.

However, when self-deprecation becomes a habituated response, such that a person blames or criticizes themselves every time anything goes wrong, appears to go wrong, or is described by someone else as being wrong, then self-deprecation has become a harmful habit.

One reason some people develop habits of self-deprecation is to get strokes from other people as a reward.

Rewarding someone for hurting themselves is either stupid, or crazy like a fox.

Nonetheless, there are traditions in most cultures in which a person who hurts themselves with self-deprecation is rewarded with positive social strokes.

Good person, good person, you just keep on hurting yourself.

Stupid, yes?

And yet this is a ritual carried out daily all over the world, perhaps in every culture.  We are pretty sure there are no people who are not affected by this sort of behavior, neither ourselves nor any others may be able to escape this terrible social disease.

These rituals of self-deprecation have lots of useful purposes for our societies and their cultures, so regardless of how much harm such rituals cause, it seems likely that the cultures of most societies will continue to teach self-deprecation to each successive generation.

No wonder so many kids are so suicidal; they have been instilled with their own worthlessness and the helplessness of their conditions by the people who should love them and care for them the most.

We remain committed to doing our very best to change that for the better.

Enjoy!

Love, Grigori Rho Gharveyn,
aka Greg Gourdian, Falcon, Chameleon, etc., et al…

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