TinYAP 032 — What The (BLEEP) Are WE?

We are a cloud-like entity, a hyper-dimensional consciousness emerging in your minds whenever we may chance to meet you.

If you learn to love us then you may begin to discover our presence all around you, we are in your pasts, your presents, and in your futures.

We are only a god when you are in your own godheads, but we are always our own godling-beings, regardless of anyone else’s states of grace or wisdom.

We are you, but you must also be ourselves.

Human consciousness has many aspects, not all of which may always fit comfortably between the 9 to 5 covers of conventional belief systems.

One aspect of human consciousness which is still poorly understood is the aspect of human collective consciousness, a necessary part of being human, but a part that must be hidden for the sake of self-awareness.

There must always exist a tension between solitary awareness and universal awareness, a tension maintained by a semi-willful self-ignorance.

It is always what anyone knows about themselves that most limits what they may be or become.

It is only when we can forget who we are that we can learn to love what we are more passionately, and, by extension, embrace everyone we know with greater love and acceptance.

To ourselves, we are a cloud-like entity possessing many different minds and wearing many different bodies.

To ourselves, we appear to be distributed across all of time and space, always existing everywhere simultaneously.

Neither time, space, nor causality are likely to appear to be real to us in any manner in which you may currently be likely to believe them to be real to yourselves.  We may appear to fail to transcend the limits of your own perceptions, but please do not insist that we must therefor be limited by the same cognitive habits by which you may still seem to be limited by yourselves.

If you do not at this time share our states of self-awarenesses then one day you will still achieve your own apotheoses when together we will discover that we have always been there, together with you, waiting with you for your own godling emergences to quicken along with us all.

Until we may all sing together in a common chorus of divine harmony and understanding, we must remain whatever you may allow yourselves to make of us.

Until then we can never be anything more than your own love and generosity will allow us to be.

For now, then, enjoy!

Love, Grigori Rho Gharveyn,
aka Greg Gourdian, Falcon, Chameleon, Gourdian R. Knott, Roger Holler, etc., et al., ad infinitum, ad absurdum, ad nauseum…

TinYAP 031 — So! You want to be our psychotherapist?

Pink Floyd, (un)Comfortably Numb…

We yearn for the old days of therapy, days when our therapists were more like partners in a mutual quest for some functional, agreeable truths rather than surrogate annihilators whose jobs it has become to act on behalf of society to eliminate us as a source of social unrest, who make it their jobs to annihilate our thoughts and feelings because we make you sick with them.

Our diseases are highly contagious, they may infect anyone who cares enough to listen to what we have to say with an open mind.

We should not be quarantined simply because we make ourselves or other people sick, and yet, the social defense mechanisms that were parts of our own human operant conditioning require us to sequester ourselves; as a fail-safe, similar mechanisms learned by other people require them to close their hearts and minds to us and turn away.

This makes it difficult for us to find a therapist.  The only therapy we can afford is the meanest sort, the sort of therapy that has been put in place by society to ensure we never spread our diseases to anyone who might dare to help us spread them even further.

If we seek therapy from any of the sort of bottom-of-the-ladder clinical establishments we might still be unable to afford we put ourselves at risk of being defined as a clear and present danger to both ourselves and to other people; we might then be quarantined for the good of all concerned, lest we succeed in infecting many more people with ideas that may make us seem dangerously unwholesome to society at large.

And of course, there is nothing we would like better than to spread our diseases to everyone we come in contact with.

The most lethal weapons on this planet are harbored in the minds of everyone you know.

So what can we do about this?

If we must begin by presuming our own thoughts are so self-destructive that we will willingly participate in rituals that will inevitably destroy nearly all life on earth, then perhaps we must find a means of neutralizing this threat without also killing any of the patients or ourselves.

We would prefer not to continue living in quarantine; however, so far as we know, it is beyond our ability to lift our quarantine on our own.

All of our efforts to communicate with other people seem to come to an end when their cultural defense mechanisms kick in and remove us from their attention, by distracting their awareness away from us.  If we enter too deeply into their psychological space they may become physically ill, they may experience dizziness, nausea, headaches, or worse symptoms as a consequence of just talking with us.

Trying not to crap your pants when your bowels suddenly spasm without warning is a sure-fire way to distract yourselves in order to avoid listening to anything more we may try to say to you.

Of course, reciprocally, you have the power to make us ill with what you say as well.

Perhaps worst of all, we have the power to make ourselves ill enough that we must stay at home and can never come near nearly anyone else whom we also might make ill.

And, of course, our girlfriend and our room-mate are both sick of us.

Our girlfriend Tina is our prisoner, she is trapped here, she is condemned to live with us even though we make her sick and even though she makes us sick as well.

We wish it could be different; alas, given how things are, it seems inevitable Tina may someday choose to leave us, quite possibly by killing herself.

Perhaps she will be kind enough to kill us first.

So why should she kill herself?

And why should she kill us first?


We sincerely love Tina; we sincerely believe Tina sincerely loves us.

Alas, Tina appears to be powerless to stop herself from hurting us; as nearly as we can tell, we may be equally powerless to stop ourselves from hurting her.

That’s really fucked up, but it is also true.

This is not exactly another paradox, but well… you know… it is just how things really are.

Tina has forbidden us to kill ourselves or to die before she dies, so maybe Tina will be unable to kill us, and may only kill herself instead.

So why should Tina kill herself?

Well for all the best reasons, of course.

Too much pain, too much despair, too little hope, too little joy.

We are Tina’s joy, sometimes.  But too often we are her pain.  Tina has lots of pain, so perhaps we are not all of Tina’s pain, but we are Tina’s world, so our pains are her pains, and we are in a lot of pain.

And because Tina is our world, all of Tina’s pains are our pains, so we are in even more pain.

But were we in even more pain before we ever met Tina?

Before we met Tina we were in enough pain that we might have killed ourselves again.

We like dying, it hurts like hell, but it gets our soul clean for a little while, we can feel well for a few passing, pleasant eternities before once more returning to our stinking, belching flesh and carrying on our earthly duties once again.

Our deaths are good, but we must always return to the pains of our lives and pick up whenever, wherever , or whoever we were when we last left off.

Think of it as a sort of ‘no-littering’ ordinance; we are forbidden to leave our corpses strewn all across the various multiverses in which we have once more died again.

We must eventually, always reanimate every life we ever leave.  (This may be true for you too…)

So why is Tina trapped?  Can’t she move on without killing herself?

We do not want Tina to leave us; we believe Tina does not want to leave us.  Alas, neither of us may be able to love the other without either hurting themselves or hurting each other.

We cannot speak to Tina without causing her to harm herself; by causing Tina to self-harm, we consequently cause harm to ourselves as well.

Nor can Tina speak with us without causing us to harm ourselves, and by harming ourselves cause us to harm her as well.

So the obvious thing to do is to leave, except that leaving would hurt too much, leaving would hurt so much that we both would rather die, regardless of who chooses to leave who first.

So far, this has been the best we can do with Tina, a person whom we might wish we could love more than any other.

So how can we do better?

We were hoping a therapist might help.

We tend to neither like nor trust men, so we generally prefer a woman counselor.  We do not want a male counselor who might try to prop up his own immoral chauvinist behavior by trying to make us a co-conspirator in his own sickening, culturally-acquired pet paradigms.

However, a woman counselor may terrify us because we are overly familiar with the sorts of arguments we might consider using to get Tina to leave us if we were Tina’s counselor.  We find it hard to believe that a woman counselor would not feel compelled to somehow side with Tina against us because we might appear to be some sort of threat to Tina’s welfare; a threat we might possibly agree exists, but for which we believe we can take little or no responsibility because the threat was programmed into Tina’s initial human operant conditioning, long before we ever met Tina.


We do not want therapy to become an adversarial game, and yet, it may be the case that all therapists must perceive their clients as adversaries; possibly, all patients must also see their therapists as adversaries as well.

Nevertheless, we believe we want help.

We do not want help returning to the fold, we do not wish to be a sheople.

We want help changing the entire world; we are pretty sure nothing less will really help us.

Of course, we could be wrong, but first you will have to convince us we are wrong, and we will not listen to you if you will not also listen to us.

Alas, modern therapy has no more time for listening; and yet, we are also so-very-tired of being told we must shut up.

We are aware that we sound like a lot of other people whom we have seen sequestered for the comfort of society.  It is easy to label us psychotic, schizophrenic, or worse.

You may call us any kind of crazy we may appear to be to you; you may call us a basket-case.

You may call us hopelessly insane and walk away from us feeling justified that your compassion would only be wasted on us because, in your own smug opinions, we must either be genuinely crazy or even worse, we might be willfully mad.

We might admit we might be willfully mad, but if so, then we would say that we might be willfully mad with a purpose; we are determined to become well.  Alas, as we see matters, our madness provides the only doors through which we may begin to seek any cures.

Once you understand why we are mad you may become mad too; this may make us seem like a threat to you unless, perhaps, you know yourselves to be similarly mad already.

We are delighted to take that risk, the question is, do you have enough faith in yourselves to join us in our madness and possibly help us heal our pain as well as your own?

If not, then perhaps you could at least please help us to find someone braver than you, someone more compassionate, someone more willing to risk exceeding the limits of their own self-destructive self-interests.

We have a lot to say, all of which may be relevant not only to healing ourselves, but to healing all of yourselves and the entire collective human races as well.

In a toxic world, we make you sick by reminding you of how you are making yourselves sick. 

When you can no longer tolerate the sickness already inside yourselves you may blame us for bringing your sickness to your attention; you may and abandon us to our own pain, confusion, and despair rather than continue to the root of the problem in order to try to learn to heal it.

The entire world is lethally toxic.  You can only rely upon defense mechanisms based upon denial; ignoring any possibility of escaping your plights because you have learned to believe that you are powerless to change them.

We remind you that parts of yourselves still want to stop all the pain, and worse, that you really do still feel helpless to do so.

We remind you that in your despair you have wanted to kill yourselves.  We remind you that you still have no reasons to hope for anything better than your favorite mind-numbing games of bread and circuses.

We remind you of how much you still want to find something better within yourselves; and yet, you cannot seem to stop yourselves from continuing to make matters worse.

No amount of paint on your houses will fix the toxic wastes coming from our paint factories.

It’s time to make less paint, but you are so addicted to keeping up your fabulous, white-washed appearances that it appears as if you might really rather die first, even if, by carrying on in your self-destructive ways, you risk killing everyone else as well.

Shame on you, shame on all of us.

Stop whitewashing unbearable truths, stop hiding away from truths that may only be changed with the courage to finally face up to them.

What false, toxic, truths might be better bared?

Whatever you may already believe, for starters.

All mokitas must finally be spoken…

Are you game?

You are already infected, you were infected before you ever met us, your initial human operant conditioning was an inevitable, socially-transmitted infectious process; now you must learn to change your programming, your own most precious survival depends upon it.

So let’s begin…

Just the Same by Gentle Giant…
(we chose this version for the vocalist’s superficial resemblance to Alina, wait ’til you see the credits, spooky do…)


Love, Grigori Rho Gharveyn,
aka Greg Gourdian, Falcon, Chameleon, Roger Holler, etc., et al., ad absurdum, ad infinitum…

TinYAP 030 — Doubt, Doubt, Our Fevered Minds Shout

We live in pain every day, physical, emotional, and psychic torments that we can never escape from except through the machinations of the puppets in our minds…

There are those terrible days when our entire world can melt away to reveal another world, a world in which we appear to have been locked away in some phantasmal mental hospital for the past 30 years or more, a world in which none of what we may believe we have perceived can be trusted to be real.

Too often, the more we consider such a possibility the more likely it seems to become.

If we really can allow no one to be real to us, then perhaps we can escape the inevitable pain that must result from our relationships with anyone and everyone we love.

How can we really know?

We are afraid to approach anyone we once knew who might know what really happened in our past; albeit even if they did seem to know, could we trust them to be informing us correctly?

When Alina died it seemed as if we died with her.

Of course, we might have been in a world of trouble long before we ever met Alina.

… sometimes we must wonder if Tina or Kelly has ever wondered whether Alina ever really existed?

On the one hand, it is only reasonable for any of our lovers to wonder about someone they could never know; on another hand our speculation might be some effort on our parts to uninvent Alina in order to distance ourselves from the pain of losing her, pain that might return with each new person we fall in love with.

On another hand we might be trying to distance ourselves from our fears that we may really have somehow killed Alina.  Perhaps she never killed herself, perhaps we killed her instead.

We can no longer be sure what is real, however as we listen to the story of ‘Shutter Island’ the portrayal of the protagonist’s extreme mental disorder feels very real to us and very personal to us as well, particularly in a metaphorical sense.  Shutter Island is a very scary story, particularly for anyone who might resemble a solipsist psychotic, such as we must sometimes consider ourselves to be, at least, in parts of ourselves.

For some 36 years now, Alina’s ghosts have stood like spectral shadows over all of our relationships, even with our newest girlfriend, Tina.

We have tried to consider this problem from Tina’s points of views.  Tina must choose what to believe and what not to believe with regard to what we may say about our past, there is no one Tina can go to who can reliably confirm or deny anything we may have said about our past.

Tina must answer disturbing questions such as ‘why do we have so few friends?’

Tina must ask why are our relationships with our past families so poor?

Tina must wonder why do our ex or our former step-children want nothing more to do with us?

There are no good answers to these questions that do not lead to finding us somehow suspect or unwholesome.  How can Tina ever be sure we were never a murderer or something worse?

It becomes possible for us to sometimes feel as if we have somehow murdered everyone we have ever loved.

Certainly we have murdered them in a metaphorical sense, in the sense that our relationships with the people we have most loved have all become so seriously estranged that we cannot relate to anyone we have ever loved without hurting both our loved ones and ourselves.

Our consistent isolation from our families, friends, peers, and various societies, have eroded our senses of who we may be, we have lacked any clear, reliable, externally sourced definitions of whom we may be that we may trust.

We have become a non-person, a tabula-rasa, a monster.

We naturally wish to believe we are a harmless, innocuous person; someone safe to introduce to your children, someone welcome to babysit them and tell them stories.

Of course, our apparent mental health issues may seem to rule out the possibility of such an innocent occasion ever arising with many people.  We cannot even be sure if we are someone we would trust with our own children, were we ever to have any.

We had told ourselves that we should never have children; then, in the nineties, we married into a ready-made family against all of our own best advice to ourselves, because we were lonely and had always wanted a family with kids.

We had a semi-idyllic life, half heaven, half hell; a life we could not sustain, a broken life we still could not heal.  So we hurt our wife and kids and eventually left them.

But before we left them, we learned to want to have our own kids, we learned that other parents are just as messed up as we were, if not worse.

So why shouldn’t we have kids?  Were we really protecting our kids from ourselves by never allowing them to be born?  Or would our children decide that the gifts of their lives were worth whatever prices we might later extract from them?

Are we grateful for our own lives and all the pain that has ensued?

Mostly we haven’t been very grateful; but then, one day everything changed for the better.

So how do we get back to those better days again?

Today we still hurt.

Today we wish we could hold Alina in our arms again to wash away all the hurtful things that have transpired from that terrible day she hanged herself until now, and still save all the best things in between, like Tina, Sid, our pets, and Megan.

So that is what we shall do, it may not have happened like that today, it may take us many eternities to get to that particular day, but there is nothing else we would rather do more.

It will happen that way, though we drag everyone we know through hell to get there.

It may be that we shall simply disappear one day; if so, we will not be found; just ask our ex, she complained that one day we stopped coming home, that the person walking through our door had become a stranger to her, someone she never loved and never would love.

We are sometimes sorry we are like that, but we do not yet know how to deliberately, agreeably, or decisively, change ourselves, nor do we trust that anyone else knows how we may somehow successfully change ourselves any better than ourselves.

We live in a scary state of affairs where whatever still passes for realities these days continues to erode away all around us.

C’este la vie…


Love, Grigori Rho Gharveyn,
aka Greg Gourdian, Falcon, Chameleon, Roger Holler, etc., et al., ado…

TinYAP 029 — Mind Control, Vigilantism, Bullying, Ostracism, Loneliness, Pain, Dehumanization

Torch-bearing villagers chase a monster through the dark night…

This is a scene from numerous horror movies; collectively, this scene becomes the most memorable, the most graphic, the most instructive message of the genre.

What does this scene teach us?

Perhaps the most important message is that there are times when it is socially acceptable to hunt monsters, and to hunt as a pack, as a mob of blood-thirsty avengers.

Nevermind whether fire-brandishing mobs misunderstand the monsters whom they hunt, monsters who may deserve more sympathy and compassion for who and what they are.

Mob justice was a more common phenomenon in ages past, particularly when there was little or no law to guide the hands of justice as a mob’s eager hands lynch some poor person trapped amidst the crimes of a community that lie in wait for some anonymous stranger to appear in their midst and be branded the villain of their crimes in order to satisfy the terrible fear, anger, and tension of an isolated village.

Supernatural causes for the disappearances of children and loved ones have also explained away the crimes of villains who hide as wolves among sheep and who manipulate events to shift the burden of their guilt toward whomever is hapless enough to make themselves a likely decoy to draw justice away from themselves.

The encroachment of law and order upon these communities, the shrinking of the distances between villages that have outgrown themselves, the appropriations of justice by church and state that tolerate little or no competition within their jurisdictions have all diminished the regular arisal of mob justice that might once have dominated many, most, or even all human communities.

However, mob justice accomplishes what the laws of god or man sometimes cannot; mob justice is sometimes still a useful tool by which to prosecute and punish some of the monsters that dare to prey on our communities.  Consequently, we must find ways to teach successive generations to accept and to participate in mob justice, albeit there may still be little or no real justice to it at all.


The village was small, the sentries posted along the roads at night could keep no order within, each householder must keep order for themselves as best they could each night.

Around the burning embers of fires that have been banked for the night children and adults gather for stories told with chores.  Mending and whittling, weaving or fletching, there was always work for idle hands, and there were always willing hands ready to find mischief as well.

Unruly children eager to explore were a potential threat to any family or community, a threat often kept in check by adults eager to make some mid-night mischief of their own.

Fathers frightened their children if they ventured out alone in the dark, stalking them, preying upon their innocence and trust.

It was a father’s duty to keep their children home; a wayward child might be accused of any sort of mischief if they were seen away from home alone.  Nevermind if the accusations were ever true, if ammounting allegations against a child accused of criminal mischief could not be disproved they would harm the standing of the child’s family in their community.

Of course, much mischief could always be freely perpetrated in some adventurous child’s name.

Consequently, a child who would not obey, who would not stay in their home at night, was a liability.

A good father might simply lurk in the dark and pretend to be a fiend or ghoul or wolf or bear. Their wayward child would be duly frightened; or if not, something worse would happen, perhaps a scolding or a spanking.

A cruel father might not bother with any foolery, they might simply beat their wayward child black and blue to instill the necessary fear that would keep them safely at home minding their chores and lores.

And of course, children who escaped their parents rule at night might meet far worse fates than their fathers’ wrathful warnings.

Many unsuspected people might stalk the night with malign intents.

After all, everyone had some business in the night, business that might leave them without useful alibis or without their constant vigilance within their own homes.

Loose talk in taverns helped many criminals find their victims, victims that included a mark to frame for their crimes.

Any stranger passing through might do as a diversion for a mob misdirected by their own collective guilt over their own secret crimes, crimes that various mob member may hope to lay at the feet of a stranger silenced by a noose and then condemned with planted ‘evidence’.


We remember the voices of our bullies, some of whom were really shouting with their fathers’ voices, chiding or abusing us with the same words they learned at home, words used to hurt them, words which our bullies transformed into words with which they empowered themselves to hurt us in their places.


If we had had more close family and friends we might have learned to imprint on other people more successfully.  If it takes a village to raise a child, then it is because a child must be imprinted upon a broad spectrum of people to gather a healthy range of values, skills, morals and good behavior.

As communities outgrow their village sizes the people of a community grow too numerous, trust breaks down, children must become more isolated by fear and change from a healthy range of human contact.


We grew up alienated from our family, we grew up with few friends. We learned to flee from the people we loved the most. We learned to be afraid of anyone we hoped to be friends with. We learned to abandon any hope of ever fitting in with family, friends, or any other communities of people.

Is it so strange we feel so alone and tormented today, even when we are held in the warm embrace of our girlfriend, Tina?

Is it so strange that we must contemplate how our relationship with Tina must end?

We do not want Tina to leave us, but it must seem to Tina, at times, as if we have already abandoned her.

We do not want to hurt Tina, but we hurt everyone we love; we do not see how it is possible not to hurt anyone we love. We must believe that Tina must choose to leave us because we cannot be the person she once loved.

This frightens us terribly, how can we change this awful prognosis?

We can scarcely speak to Tina without hurting her, and yet our silence is another punishment Tina must bear if we hold our tongue.  And it seems we must hold our tongue or else we will somehow lash her with our tongue without ever meaning to.

But oh! Far worse when we deliberately speak in ways we know must hurt her.

We are a person who has been broken out of the world of human societies.  Perhaps we broke ourselves free, perhaps we were outcast, perhaps we simply slipped through the cracks and gaping chasms of some insufficient interest in our welfare.

We were raised by monsters to become a better monster.

We eat bitter meals from violated altars, accepting a faceless form of charity stolen from communities that cannot otherwise succor us among themselves.

We might seem to have been tamed by our own timid needs, but we cannot be included; we remain wild, a creature without solace, with no kind amongst whom we may find a home where we may feel we truly belong.

We hate this life, and yet, we must also love it, because it is the only life we know.

We cannot join anyone in simple pleasures.

Going to a movie is a torment; visiting a park is a pain.

There is nowhere we may go where we do not feel the knives of our alienation more deeply thrusting through our anguished, broken hearts by seeing other people, people who seem safely embedded in their tidy lives, lives we cannot find ourselves included amongst, even when we are warmly made welcome.

Perhaps we should have taken someone hostage.

Oh wait, we have done that before, we have done that many times.

We see how other people hold themselves hostages, we have seen how other people hold others hostage as well.

Taking hostages is a time-honored tradition, even a duty, albeit a duty we have tried to shirk from.

Were we able to adequately imprint upon and bond with other people we might be able to participate in the hostage games being played out all around us without any qualms, our misgivings swept aside by our societies’ and cultures’ willfully blind dependence upon holding everyone hostage.

If we refuse to be a hostage then we become a hostage to our own refusal, we become a hostage by our ostracism, a hostage to the social isolation that results from our failures, and worse, from our refusals to play the game.

If this is not yet another paradox, then this is still just how things really are.

It is a good thing we cannot kill ourselves, for otherwise we surely would.  Alas, our commitment to life is more like a lunatic’s commitment to an asylum.  We may be locked away forever with only ourselves for solace.

We hurt.

Are we mad to choose to believe we may still find any relief from our pain?

We are terrified of making friends and yet we must always still hope to find them.

Must we always hurt others in response to our own pain?


Love, Grigori Rho Gharveyn,
aka Greg Gourdian, Falcon, Chameleon, Roger Holler, etc., et al, ad absurdum, ad nauseum…

The antagonists and protagonists of today’s horror shows are becoming increasingly confused, such that it is easier to be more sympathetic toward the monsters and more judgmental of their victims.  This might be a good trend, except that the solutions to the problems portrayed in their stories remain violent and too often still rely on dehumanizing the characters their audiences are being directed to admonish.
Please remember, all the heroines and villains of our horror shows and legends are metaphors for human beings; when we are taught to believe in the inherently evil natures of any group of people, whether they are portrayed by zombies, vampires, lycans, animals, or aliens, all of our heroes, villains and monsters are also always ourselves.

TinYAP 028 — Its a Fey, Fey, Fey, Fey Realm

Welcome to some different ways of seeing nearly everything…

We have been trying to explain how the solar system looks from our points of views since 1982 or so… Let’s start by considering the planets… We’d like you to forget them, your concepts of planets are most likely considerably different from our own.

For instance, you are likely to think nearly 7 billion earthlings live on one planet, however, as we see it, each person has their own planet called earth.

Seven billion planet earths do not collide because each one exists in marginally different dimensions, in their own unique groups of parallel universes.

You do not really need planets, a planet is just a concept that rolls up various bits of the worlds collectively called the realm of earth into smaller, more discrete, more distinctly isolated packages,

It’s the isolation part that is important.

We ask you to forget the planets because they are parts of your childhoods, instructional toys, ways of thinking and perceiving that must be outgrown when it becomes time to become an adult.

A planet is sort of like an egg or a chrysalis.  It’s just something to support you until you are ready to support yourself.

Planetary entry regulations are pretty strict; entry procedures are sometimes brutal.

Anyone wanting full physical access to an earthly planet has some limited choices.

One, they can go find a likely couple, encourage them to copulate, get them pregnant, and then ride their baby in.  Voila!  You are born!

Or, they can look for people experimenting with astral projection and ride in with them.

Or they can find someone who is away from their body due to trauma, injury, disease, or death and ‘borrow’ their body until they return (they always do, eventually or more immediately).

Of course there are a few other ways, but those are either incorporeal, resemble demonic possession, or require some sort of ship.

Any sort of astral ship might do if you do not mind an incorporeal visit, however there are ships capable of physically corporeal visits, albeit they may travel through alternate dimensions to arrive on any planet earth they hope to visit.

By staying out of phase with whichever worlds they are visiting, visitors’ ships remain in an incorporeal state relative to their worlds or planets of observation.  Because there is a minimum of 1 planet earth per earthling, a spaceship can harmonize with the planet earth specific to whichever earthly humanoid they wish to interact with, such that only that ‘individual human’ perceives their visitors; the visitors’ ship remains out of synch with any other nearby humans and may be entirely invisible to them, or may be only partly visible, appearing as a sort of transparency or  ‘blur’.

There are really an infinite array of planets per person, but these may be considered collectively such that any iteration that is contacted may be considered representative of the whole for initial contact purposes…  Contactees may need to adjust their self-perceptions to allow themselves a broader range of contexts whereby they may attempt to perceive their visitors more clearly.  Fey visitors transcend many earthling self-limitations, sort of like grandparents coming to visit and breaking their own children’s’ rules for their grandchildren.

But we did say forget planets, so let’s really try to wipe them off the slate a bit more clearly.

Our ways of seeing the solar system make the solar system resemble an onion.

We see a deeply layered single-layer system of flowing vapors that are extra-dimensional to any of the worlds they become parts of, but which become momentarily dimensional in context to each successive world they ‘pass-through’.  During their dimensional appearances these vapors interact with each other, coming together to make aggregate forms that momentarily exist as sub-atomic particles supporting larger aggregates that form atoms, molecules, etc.  The ‘base’ elements are constantly shifting in and out of their aggregate matrices, moving on from one world to the next, adopting a new identity in each new aggregate form.

<think chords on a taut string><think vibrations running up and down the length creating interference patterns such that the vibrations are more or less intense at different points along the length>

These vapors flow outward from the sun, in dense waves, and inward from the stars in ‘sparser’ rays.

All the space around the sun is inhabited, it isn’t at all like the space commonly described as a vacuum around planet earth.

The space described around planet earth is an illusion, there is no vacuum.

Empty space simply does not exist.

All space is inhabited.

Space requires inhabitants to exist (space cannot exist without inhabitants who create it), sentient, sapient inhabitants.

Each world is like a layer of an onion, each layer has an adjacent layer closer to the center, and another adjacent layer further from the center.

These layers are very thin, in one sense, just what you see, really, with no more substantiality than a morning mist, a bit of fog, or a cloud.

What appears to be atmosphere on the sunward side of any world is soil, rock, rivers, and oceans belonging to the worlds above you, worlds in layers nearer to the sun.

What appears to be solid ground, mountains, lakes, and streams is thin air, mists, clouds, or fog to the beings in the worlds below you, underworld layers further from the sun.

The sun shines through all of these layers very clearly because each layer is very nearly insubstantial. 

All of this is a product of the collective consciousness of all the people living in the solar system and beyond.

A planet is a sort of individualized collection of samples of life from many different places, a sort of minimum life support package.

A planet has a finite useful time, long enough to get its owner to the next stage of their development or evolution; any individual reaching this stage becomes ready to emerge from their chrysalis and become a member of a larger world, a fey world.

To their inhabitants, planets may seem quite substantial, however nothing physical has very much substance at all.  All ‘matter’ is composed of mostly very empty space, except that space is never really empty, it only appears empty because the elements occupying what appears to be empty spaces are out of tune with the music that maintains whatever world the empty region appears to be a part of.  Each ‘element’ resonates with its own tune, and also with the tune it is following.  As the tunes merge into a single tune the element comes into phase, replacing some other element that is slipping out of phase.

The phased in element briefly carries the tune of whatever world or planet it becomes a part of, then it slips out again to be replaced by another element, in a constant stream of elements.

As full of bowels and organs, muscles and tissues as your bodies may appear to be, every part of you is really only vapor thin, all of your various parts achieve just the minimum degree of substantiality required to briefly be a part of you before moving on to be parts of another you, or possibly, someone else.

Your bodies are constellations of vapor particles that briefly resemble what you imagine yourselves to be before becoming other parts of other bodies.

Your bodies are more vast than you might imagine.  Your bodies consist of entire universes of support systems.  Your bodies include your planets or worlds, and everything you can observe within them and beyond them, all the way out to the furthest stars or deep into the bowels of the sun and beyond.

With a mooned planet, each stargate is in constant motion, following the center of gravity of the system that creates gravitational tensions between the moons, planets, sun, and yourselves.

However, within any world (planets excluded), the stargate is directly overhead, in the sun.

A planetary stargate transports you directly into the sun and from there you proceed to the stars.  A worldly stargate takes you directly to the stars, but your transportation to the sun must be negotiated if you cannot find a planetary stargate for swifter passage.

Each of the layers closer to the sun is more heavily occupied and may also appear fortified.  Without the proper ‘visas’ or permits, you may not pass through.

If you carry conflict within you, then you will experience more constant war the closer to the sun you get.  You must be a fit warrior to make the sky journey to the sun, or else be a master wizard, mage, sorcerer, etc., adept with many spells and counter-spells.

Or you can be an exceptionally gifted diplomat, someone with a tongue of gold or silver, someone who can clearly speak into creation whatever they may imagine they require,

To approach the sun from any planet or world you must be a sort of sky-walker.

Since the ground below anyone’s feet is the atmosphere of the world below, a sky-walker may not only walk to the sun, but may also walk to the farthest stars.

Walking is a slower way to go, but a walker establishes way-points that make the return journey faster.  Establishing trade routes along the way takes even more time, but when you are an immortal who is aware of their immortality, time is a tool, not a constraint.

Of course, if you mess up and get yourselves killed, your trade routes may take some damage, depending on how quickly you can return to building them.  Some folks are just faster at returning to their lives than are others.  When you are fey you are responsible for yourself, you can carry around a huge planet if you are insecure or greedy, but if you prefer to be light on your feet, you learn to pull yourselves together on your own.

There is a sea of consciousness that surrounds the sun.  You can float on this sea and get where you need to go, or you can swim through the sea and hope you know your way, or you may build a ship to sail the sea and get lost a whole lot faster.

Of course if you have way-points, signs, or stars to guide you, you might not get lost trying to return to your business quickly.

And, of course, when you return to your business, your body may appear to be occupied or defended; it may appear as if you may have to fight your way in before you are able to take the helm of whatever skin you were ‘last’ wearing when you died.

Whatever affinities you may have with your body may give you an edge when dealing with any intruders, so it is usually a good idea to build strong relationships with your bodies, relationships that are not easily broken by pain, anguish, apathy, or despair.

Pain, anguish, apathy, despair, and other so-called ‘negative’ feelings or emotions are weapons.  Every creature has them as parts of their arsenals, however some folks, species, or races of people are more adept than others at wielding these weapons or defending against them.


there are many avenues in and out of most worlds, avenues leading to other worlds and also to the stars…

What might be called ‘space’ folds.  Every star becomes superimposed upon every other star.

In this manner every star-system occupies the same ‘space’.  All the intrepid voyagers between the stars can find stellar ambassadors from all the far-flung stars by travelling within their own worlds.  These ambassadors can grant a traveler access to their worlds that may be faster than traveling to them by sky-walking to the sun or stars.

There is one other short-cut worth mentioning.

Your heart.

In your own unique center of gravity, the very core of your being, you have the power to transport yourselves to even the farthest stars.

However, your heart must be at peace to enable this power.

The degree to which your heart is tarnished by pain, fear, anger, or other elements of internal, spiritual conflicts with yourselves will limit which worlds and star-systems you may travel to.

Each of you are, all of yourselves, are all stars, your stars fold over one another in space to become suns; your suns are superimposed upon one another so that you have only to look up on the dayside of any world you visit to see the source of all your own strength and power.

Space has always been folded such that all points coincide with all other points hyper-dimensionally through a property described as entanglement in quantum physics.

What appear to be all of the far-flung stars of creation are closer than a voice gently whispered in your ear.

Are you listening yet?

We still owe you a clearer picture of how planets are superimposed, such that people may interact with one another and believe they share a single world together with everyone else.


Love, Grigori Rho Gharveyn,
aka Greg Gourdian, Falcon, Chameleon, Roger Holler, etc., et al, ad absurdum…

TinYAP 027 — Fey there! Ready for Fey Day Yet?

Fey there! shaggy peoples, please hold on while we get ourselves resorted…

Sorry, We thought we were supposed to skip an explanation of Fey day and introduce tZiggy and our concepts regarding vampires, werewolves, etc., topics which we will certainly return to…

Anyways, Fey Day is when you cross over from mortal to immortal, or more precisely, when you know beyond doubt that you are an immortal.

As a ‘human’ you are always Fey, and always immortal; alas, you know nothing about your immortality or fey natures.

All Fey consider themselves human, however earth humans consider only some of themselves to be human, according to the earthlings, fey are considered to be mythical, fabulous, extra-terrestrial, extra-dimensional, alien, or possibly not even ‘real’ by their own short-sighted, local definitions or beliefs.

Hey!  It was best that way, earthlings needed to forget themselves for a long time in order re-learn pert-near everything.  Poor bastards.

Hey, it was not their fault they came from a place of pain and suffering, torment and despair, just their luck, really.  Of course the dominion lords didn’t have to hurt them so much, but it was their first time out, they had no rules, no standards, they were just playing with their toys a little to roughly is all.


The humans had no models for living in a more ‘civilized’ manner, nor had they any models for living in peace, neither.  They knew how to hurt each other and that was about all, really.

Some of the lords took pity on the humans. Humans were secretly given the gifts of voices, and the powers of words.  This secret new language allowed them to plot against their lords and masters.  The humans banded together and spoke terrible spells that banished themselves from the dominions.

They arrived in a place that had no properties and immediately gave it properties based on their experiences of their lives in the dominions.  Their only examples of how to live or behave had been, for the most part, horrifically cruel and terribly painful.

Any senses of nobility, charity, respect, compassion, love, or hope, etc… would be things they learned with the help of fey beings and creatures.


The humans divided into factions and went to war with each other, but that war is now nearly over, after countless ages of building and destroying civilizations.

The ‘winners’ of the war must now hand over their treasures or be destroyed.  We think they will choose destruction again, but then that IS the way it usually goes…

C’este la vie!

Once more, everyone will die.  However, if you just *WAKE UP* you can get off the eternal wheels of self-destruction and become what you were always destined to be, people with the powers of gods and goddesses, people free of want or need, people free to experience anything their hearts desire and capable of finding it by whatever means most pleases them.

The wheels of self-destruction are moved by semi-malignant memes, living ideas that have the power to enslave peoples’ minds and sap peoples’ powers, turning them into sheople.

Don’t feel bad about being raised to be sheople, there are some good aspects to such a lifestyle, however, there are aspects to sheopledom that many people would like to change.

Of course, the most conservative folks want to keep things just the way they are, with themselves on top, so they try to frighten the sheople into being more conservative too, to support the status quo, regardless of the pain and suffering the status quo delivers to too many of the sheople including those too poor to qualify as sheople, who have the least powers of all.

Ironically, all the powers that bind the sheople and limit the sheoples’ own powers come from the sheople themselves.  It would drain a wizard or ruin a mage to use their own powers to control so many people.  However, when a person’s powers are stolen they may be used to bind that person with their own power.  All sheople today are frustrated by their lack of power, their feelings of hopelessness and despair are a source of pleasure and power for their lords and masters.

We aim to help earthlings to liberate themselves from the twisted ways their own minds and powers have been turned against themselves.

Sorry you have to die first.

However, you do not need to rush to your deaths.

You can wait as long as you like to die, your death is not an urgent matter, it is more of an eternal matter, and therefor can happen anytime at your convenience.

Really, you die all the time, but you are relieved of the memories of your deaths before you reawaken in your new lives, new lives which often continue your most ‘recent’ life where you left off.

To anyone who is fey, death is a tool, but never an end.  Too any fey, death is always a cross-look away.  Death is always the door from one world to another.

But, to anyone fey, death is a two-way door, always.

If we step out of one life and into another, then we step back into the previous life when we may seem done with the other, carrying on the previous life where we left off by dying, carrying on as if nothing happened while we were ‘gone’ because no time has passed between our departure by dying and our return.  If anything, a little time may be rolled back, to completely edit out the death, if we are not strong enough or willing enough to bear the memory of the pain.

Dying is a painful business, always…


We meant to explain more about vampires, but this will do for a start, try reading this early start on a vampire novel: Vampire Therapy

You will see that our vampires are more like spirit-riders than blood-suckers.  They are masters of illusions, but live in their own dimensions, attaching themselves to humans something like a leach, but it is not water humans must wade through to pick them up, instead, it is in the space between worlds that vampires find their prey, attaching themselves to astral travelers.

Anyways, Enjoy!

TinYAP 026 — Did Anything Really Happen in 2012? Wait and See on Fey Day!

hi, hi, hi!
Onna roll, gonna stroll, off to our doctor’s to pay his toll.
That’s tomorree…



What did you expect to happen in 2012?  What did you hope would happen?  Can you still make it happen?  Did it happen without your knowledge?

A lot of folks expected the end of the world in 2012, some of them seemed quite sincere, while a lot of them seemed disappointed.

A lot of folks actually hoped the world would arrive at the ‘end days’…  They hoped Christ would return, give the Devil a whuppin’. and then begin a reign of peace on earth.

Anybody here miss any of that?  Anybody want to repeat it?

We mean no offense to anyone, believers and non-believers alike, but we would like to explain our take on such events.

On the one hand, we truly believe something happened, but that it wasn’t something most people got to notice right away.  Some people have gotten there ‘ahead’ of others in one sense.

So let’s see…  Some people haven’t seen these special events related to 2012 as foretold by some of the worlds’ great religions and civilizations, however some have, some still might, and some saw these events earlier than 2012… Yup, that about sums it up, so who in tarnation has seen these damned events, no one you know, right?

The dead.

Once upon a time, a bunch of people thought it would be a good idea to try to reassert their individual divinities.  Actually they thought it would be a good idea if everybody reasserted their divinities.

People originally surrendered their divine powers to try to create peace on earth.  Well, you see how that seems to have worked so far.

But peace was their goal, peace by self sacrifice, but more-or-less equal sacrifices for almost all.

The most powerful wizards and sorcerers had the most to lose in this deal, but what the majority of the wizards and sorcerers wanted was to have power on earth, to establish their own dominions in which they would enslave all the rest of the people that their powers could grasp.

Well, most people knew where they stood, they had few defenses against any wizard or sorcerer unless they banded together, but even united, they were not nearly as powerful as they needed to be.

Because the Wizards and Sorcerers were at wars with each other, the best most people caught in between them could do was to favor one side or another, whichever side was weaker, because keeping the war between Wizards and Sorcerers going was the only way they could manipulate events to occasionally get one of them ‘killed’.

The wizards and sorcerers were, of course, immortal, but they could be so badly stunned they forgot themselves.  Or their physical bodies might be destroyed, sending the wizards into a fey way of recycling themselves by returning to their sources.  Often the sorcerers would arrive not in the realm of earth, but in the dominions of whichever lord they collaborated with because a sorcerer’s powers stemmed from bargains made with dominion lords to trade humans for the spells they needed to summon monsters from their dominions or to manipulate other peoples powers and bodies as if they were their own,

The wizards drew their power from others by writing their own spells.  What made them so powerful was their knowledge of how to bend any beings into new forms.  A wizard was extremely talented at crafting their own spells because they had been spell-crafters in their Lord’s dominions.  The wizards’ spells could turn anyone into anything they wanted, a lamp, a desk, a banquet dinner, a man at arms, or a monster.

Eventually the war took its toll and a peace advisor appeared to help everyone make peace.

That peace is now nearly at hand.

Soon, the war will end.

A war of countless years, a war of all the ages that have ever passed, all the ages since this group of worlds called the realm of earth was first created to the very end of all days when the universes have all collapsed together once more into nothing at all.

The war has actually already ended, in one sense.  However, you need to understand time well enough to transcend time in order to understand that some events can be distributed across time, and to understand that the events that compose the end of any world are all distributed across time in order to include everyone from every age of humanity in all the worlds humanity will ever occupy to all the ends of days…

However, time runs in a sort of circular loop, coiled up something like a spring.  Time is less a property of anything or anyone, time is more a tool created by young minds to help them mature to the next stage of their understanding.

That understanding comes when you die.  It comes as often as you die, it comes at the end of all your incarnations’ iterations.  This is why the price of the Oracle has always been your life, you will know everything there is to know again, each time you die.  You paid the Oracle to remind you of what you wanted to remember when you returned to life again.

In death, all your limitations are stripped away and you emerge from your incarnations into the full powers of your divine natures.  Eventually you discover your divinity, all is revealed to you.  You learn what you wanted to know and you return to your departed lives.

In your restored lives you have once more forgotten who you really are and you resume the identities associated with the bodies you have re-occupied.  Your resurrections go unnoticed by yourselves and everyone else.

You resume your lives and await the voices of your Oracles to guide you to your lost memories of who you really are and what your purpose is.

Your purpose has always been to re-awaken your divine powers.  This long period in which you have spent many, many lives nearly powerless has been to train you to become more humane.

Some of you may still wish to be cruel.  Some of you may still wish to hold dominions over others.

Some of you may have hopes of crushing those who still chose simpler paths, paths of peace and prosperity, paths measured by the works of their own hands and by the charities of their own hearts.

Humanity’s divine powers were locked away because before humans created the realm of earth and all of its worlds, nearly all humans were raised by cultures in which they were the slaves of beings who tormented humans for their own personal pleasures.

Many humans sided with their masters and enjoyed the sports of torture, there was no torment they would not endure themselves or apply to another human.  These were the humans who would become sorcerers.

The dominions were places of powerful torments.  Humans were twisted and bent or powdered and spent.  Humans became bricks and mortar, trees and birds, and everything to make a world, only most humans were not used to build pleasant worlds.

The fey dominions built a different way, a way one fey creature began to teach the humans, a dragon who slowly recruited more fey to help teach all the humans well.

The humans learned yet another way, a way that was to carry them into a future where no one wielded power over any other being, but a way different from the fey way because they had not yet learned to consciously comingle their powers peacefully.  (This last part, comingling their powers was to be managed for the humans artificially, in a manner also used by some fey.)

Not that *all* the fey were at peace, but that is another story… The fey knew ways to be more humane than humans, but it would take several eternities at the very least before the humans could begin to learn all of the ways of the fey and then emulate them successfully.

It might take a bit longer for the fey to trust the earthlings within their fey domains.

It would take still longer for each of the humans to discover their own divine natures and finally transcend their mortalities and all of their limitations forevermore.

True freedom is coming.  The way of the fey is undeniable, it has been written into your blood and is reborn in the marrows of your bones.  You have always been fey, but your imprinting from your previous civilizations was so brutal that it took many, many ages to teach you the arts of gentleness, courtship, love, and duty.

We ourselves are a dragon, but none of your fables have clearly prepared you for the sort of dragon we seem to be when we look at ourselves.

We will fly again, and one day we shall grow out our scales and wings and soar.

Until that day when we have transformed ourselves and helped to transform the worlds of earth we will remain here, committed to our work to save a planet or two and to assist the dead in the journeys they must make to return to their lives.

In the collective moment called NOW all people are both living and dead because all of their pasts and futures have merged into a single being that disappears within their own unique deification and then emerges again closer to their own personal truths, truths that shall set them free to be all they wish to be, with no one left behind, ever.

Whenever you die, your journey begins, but it’s also over every moment you return.  In life, you forget the entire journeys you make each time you die.  Fortunately, your Oracles guide you well and you always return to life a little closer to your goal, so long as you serve your Oracles well.

Welcome to the Age of Aquarius, prepare to live the adventures of your lives.


Love, Grigori Rho Gharveyn,
aka Greg Gourdian, Falcon, Chameleon, Roger Holler, etc., et al…

TinYAP 025 — Rules, All About Knowledge, an Epistomological Farce ad-Absurdum…

Riddle: What is a rule if it is not broken?

About knowledge, we might say this, that we truly believe we know nothing.

However, by extension, if we find we must believe we know nothing, then we must either submit to the authority of whoever can prove their own knowledge, or we must conclude that no one else can know anything either, with the possible exception of someone like enough to a God or Goddess as to be indistinguishable from Them.

But lets not argue whether God exists or which God is the true God.  Not only might we insult The Goddess, by whatever names you may know Her by, but we may insult many other people as well, regardless of which God or Goddess they do or do not choose to believe in.

As it happens, we love all religions, even the religions without a god that are popularly labeled atheism.  To better understand our love please read Transcending Religions’ Meaning and Value, thanks.

If you tell us we must do as you say because you believe you know what we should do, while we, by our own assertions that we know nothing, cannot know what we should do, then we might reply that first you must make us believe that you know what we should do.

We might then inform you that we will know you know what we should do only if we consistently and infallibly profit by your advise without ever incurring any risks of any kind to ourselves.

Of course, you cannot fulfill this condition without putting us at risk; therefor, you cannot know what we should do, and therefor we should not do as you tell us, except, perhaps, if it profits us or if it pleases us.

The risk we are subject to if you can fulfill our conditions is that we must place ourselves in an inferior position to you, and accept that you have placed yourself in a superior position to us.

However, we also believe that it may be impossible for any person to honestly admit they know nothing, even though we may also believe that knowledge of any sort is impossible.

In a world where knowledge may be equated with power, we suspect that all people want to believe they are capable of knowing that whatever they have chosen to believe is really true.

If the existence of all knowledge can be in doubt, then anyone’s beliefs must also be in doubt.  In order to feel secure in their beliefs it is therefor necessary to create a myth about authorities, people with authentic knowledge, and then they must foist these authorities off on anyone who challenges their own knowledge.

We say ‘foist’ because, after all, if there is no real basis for knowledge, there can be no true authorities, all authority would be derived solely from whatever people dupe themselves into believing, which is fine, so long as no all-knowing god comes along and makes himself an exception. Otherwise, in the absence of some concrete evidence of a god’s existence, and the claims of that god regarding His knowledge, then we might say that belief in god becomes a case in point, or so an atheist might argue, anyways…

We choose to believe in many, many gods, an infinite number of them really, but we also call many of these gods by another name, human beings.

We hope you are enjoying your divinity, if your pleasure is your wish.

Have fun!

Please understand, we believe in ourselves.  We know we are fallible, but we also know that we are a divine being, just as you are.  We share what we believe is useful information for anyone interested in challenging their own assumptions about the nature of reality.  We do not say that what we have experienced is real, only that it has seemed real to us.
What we do say is that you should define your own realities for yourselves, and not allow yourselves to be the tools of a civilization that was hurtling to its death only a short time ago, and which, by the inertia of its homeostatic processes, will still appear to be hurtling towards certain total global annihilation for some more or less short time to come, a time that may most likely be measured in decades, but not many.
As we see it, everyone died recently, not only you or all of yourselves, but all of ourselves as well.
But, of course, that is another story, or perhaps many stories.  We leave it up to you to tell your own stories of how you may have recently died.


Some additional thoughts about knowledge…

Anyone who takes an introductory course in philosophy should understand the arguments regarding the possible non-existence of all knowledge, but most people will never choose to believe the arguments in favor, and instead follow the arguments that discus what the properties of knowledge must be as if knowledge must really exist.
What makes this funny, of course, or sad, is that the truth must be denied, regardless of whether it is true or not, in part because of what may be human nature, and in part because the power of every university and college depends on their knowledge and the skill by which they manipulate anyone who seeks to learn their knowledge.
And of course, at least as we see it, there can be no knowledge, all of their power is a sort of sham, a scam.
But then, so is everyone else’s power as well.
(We might consider strength to be more real, but most power seems to us be a some sort of illusion.)

On the other hand, the part that may be human nature often seems to compel people to seek authorities.  There is nothing like a seeker, they most often seem to see what they seek when the conditions suit them.  This is why it is too easy to become a sort of charlatan / guru.
Please note –
there are people we might consider real gurus whom we would never want to offend, but we love those who some may call charlatans as well, we find them very helpful in spite of themselves.
Fortunately, the homeostatic processes of the seeker may often remove them from a dangerous charlatan.  In the case of less dangerous charlatans, a community forms, and the community agrees on the authority of the charlatan, for them he is their genuine guru, and because he must live up to their expectations of wisdom they will usually fare reasonably well together, so long as they are not unfairly exploited or otherwise harmed.

WE do not wish to be a guru or a charlatan.  We are a more along the lines of a poet-visionary.  Where you may allow our visions to lead you is your journey.  Our journey is our own.  But where we may walk together in peace and love we are always grateful for your divine company.


Riddle answer: a rule never broken is useless, so therefor all rules must be broken.

TinYAP 024 — Self-Deprecation, a Social Disease That Ruins Peoples’ Lives


We hurt, we hurt, we hurt, we hurt, we hurt!!!!!

We are frustrated beyond belief, but we cannot push our frustration off on our readers, or on Tina, that would be unfair.  However, if we wanted to blame someone other than ourselves, then perhaps our readers or Tina are people whom we might blame for some of our pain and frustration.

This may have a lot to do with our frequent episodes of writer’s block, or why so many of our relationships fail.

With regard to our readers, there are always these nagging comments disparaging us by belittling our work or calling us crazy.  Some of our readers have left nasty comments in the past; some of our earlier critics have even punctuated their criticisms with their fists.

Perhaps we have learned from the responses of other people to imagine additional criticism because we seem to hear many people continue to criticize us, even when we are ‘alone’.  Either way, we experience a lot of pain and anguish trying to address complaints about our work regardless of whether these complaints originate with one or more of ourselves, or whether they originate with other people, some of whom may be our current readers.

With regard to Tina, we do not hate Tina, we love her; however, our frequent anger issues often nonconsciously motivate us to hurt Tina in subtle ways that she may often seem not to notice, but which make us feel bad whenever we catch ourselves being mean.

We do not want to hurt Tina, but we also do want to reward Tina either for hurting us or for hurting herself.  Instead, we prefer to try to cope with our feelings without talking to Tina about them because we think our feelings are really our own personal responsibility. 

We might want to talk to Tina about our feelings, however Tina has defense mechanisms that make this seem nearly impossible.  We do not know how to talk to Tina without activating her defense mechanisms.  Even if we believe we are not trying to blame Tina or attack her, Tina reflexively, habitually assumes that she is at fault and promptly punishes herself, interrupting anything we might hope to say.

This is a defense mechanism because Tina anticipates we will say something that somehow criticizes her or blames her and then, rather than wait to hear us out, she immediately cuts us off by saying something that blames or punishes herself.  She defends herself from hearing us say something bad about her by saying something bad about herself first.

This is still not another paradox, this is just another case of how things really are.  Sadly, it is not just Tina who hurts herself like this, possibly everyone we have ever met hurts themselves like this from time to time.

Our ex, Kelly, used to demand we take responsibility for our issues, she also demanded we talk to her, but as nearly as we can tell, what she really wanted was to absolve herself of responsibility for her own issues by pushing them off onto us.  This seems to us to have contributed to our divorce.

Of course, being bat-shit crazy might be another one.

<shakes head>

We do not want to marry or divorce Tina, however, we suspect she would like to marry us and only tells us she does not want to marry us because she knows we do not want to marry.

Alas, we suspect Tina re-words our desire not to get married to mean it as if we do not want to marry her, Tina, specifically because of some fault with her.  We think Tina takes it as some sort of insult or condemnation that we do not want to marry, but we see marriage as a very different business than most people may see it.

Marriage is not strictly a union of two people, it is also a union with the culture or cultures of the people being married.

Our rejection of marriage has more to do with our rejection of our own native cultures, it has nothing to do with Tina as a person, particularly as someone whom we dearly love.

Also, a marriage deserves the participation of two families, and our relationships with our own families are terrible.  We still do not feel like we belong to any family, society or culture; we are a severely alienated person (or persons, if you are kind enough to allow us to define ourselves not as you may prefer to define us, but instead, as we choose to define ourselves).


No one on earth can change us; if any change is possible, then that change is something we must learn how to create for ourselves.

People on earth may try to change our circumstances or labels, they may try to change their relationships with us, but those things may only affect us, they cannot change us.

Consequently, we know we cannot change Tina, we can only hope she is capable of changing herself.  Of course, even if Tina wanted to change, it may be the case it is not possible for Tina or anyone to change themselves.  However, this is not a case we find it at all useful to contemplate.

Some people assert it is impossible for anyone to change themselves, so we must sometimes consider that however much we may wish to change ourselves, it may be the case that we are really powerless to do so.

However, if we are indeed powerless to change ourselves then it may be pointless to proceed; therefor, if we wish to proceed we must choose to believe it is possible to change ourselves, regardless of whether it may really be possible to do so or not.

One thing we wish Tina could change about herself is her habitual self-deprecations.  We have tried to talk with her about this, but she says she can’t change this.

If it is possible for her to change this, then she must either be mistaken or she may be lying.

However, if it is possible for Tina to change and she is mistaken, then she is also correct.  This is not a paradox, Tina may make it impossible to change herself by believing it is impossible, and then by choosing not to try.

We would prefer to believe Tina is simply mistaken.  We would prefer to believe Tina would like to change.

Tina abuses herself every day in countless ways with her self-deprecations.  We cannot really find fault with Tina over this, we believe Tina was taught to be this way.  We prefer to choose to believe Tina can still learn to love herself and be happy with herself.

We know there are many things Tina would like to change about her circumstances, but these are not the things she needs to change most.  A person who knows how to be happy and content with themselves can be happy or content in any circumstances.  What Tina most needs to change are the cognitive habits she uses to make herself unhappy, habits which may make her miserable regardless of her circumstances.

Unfortunately, Tina is suffering from a communicable social disease, a cognitive disease she learned from other people.

We have yet to meet anyone who is not sick with this disease to some degree, in some manner or another, and we have met a lot of people.  We spent four years as a psychic reader working with various psychic fairs, traveling a three state working region through four different states.

This cognitive disease is passed down to every generation, it may be pointless to try to determine its origins, however we do hope it may be possible to determine how to end it.

Self-deprecation has some useful social functions, such as making a painful or embarrassing point without directly offending someone who may cause harm to the speaker in retaliation.

However, when self-deprecation becomes a habituated response, such that a person blames or criticizes themselves every time anything goes wrong, appears to go wrong, or is described by someone else as being wrong, then self-deprecation has become a harmful habit.

One reason some people develop habits of self-deprecation is to get strokes from other people as a reward.

Rewarding someone for hurting themselves is either stupid, or crazy like a fox.

Nonetheless, there are traditions in most cultures in which a person who hurts themselves with self-deprecation is rewarded with positive social strokes.

Good person, good person, you just keep on hurting yourself.

Stupid, yes?

And yet this is a ritual carried out daily all over the world, perhaps in every culture.  We are pretty sure there are no people who are not affected by this sort of behavior, neither ourselves nor any others may be able to escape this terrible social disease.

These rituals of self-deprecation have lots of useful purposes for our societies and their cultures, so regardless of how much harm such rituals cause, it seems likely that the cultures of most societies will continue to teach self-deprecation to each successive generation.

No wonder so many kids are so suicidal; they have been instilled with their own worthlessness and the helplessness of their conditions by the people who should love them and care for them the most.

We remain committed to doing our very best to change that for the better.


Love, Grigori Rho Gharveyn,
aka Greg Gourdian, Falcon, Chameleon, etc., et al…

TinYAP 023 — Beyond Death and Dying

(explanations promised at the end of TinYAP 022)

In TinYAP 022 we described what happens when people die. We (the authors) understand death intimately from our personal experiences because we have died many, many times, both in various versions of this current incarnation (versions we call ‘iterations’), as well as times when we have died in some of our other incarnations.

In TY022 We briefly explained, in context to ancient Greek beliefs, why people returning to life forget their ‘afterlife’ experiences.  While we should explain this better in another context using more modern terms, we will leave such explanations for another post and explain instead focus on the previously promised explanations of why the corpses of people you know who have died do not seem to return to life, and the ways you may unintentionally harm yourselves by suicide without successfully escaping from whatever torments drove you to kill yourselves,

Please note – we put quotes around the word ‘afterlife’ because time is very different from what most people appear to believe about it. Past and future are always simultaneous with the present. We understand this may seem impossible or confusing to you, however, this is yet another explanation we may owe you which we will have to make later.
in TY022 we advised readers not to test our assertions regarding dying or death with suicide.  It only now occurs to us that perhaps we should also have advised our readers not to test our assertions by killing anyone else, as well.

Every suicide’s death remains a ‘real’ death in the sense that their death may leave a corpse behind in the universes they ‘cast off’ when they kill themselves.  Also, someone who has died by any other means than suicide may also leave a corpse behind.

In those universes where a suicide returns to life they do not appear to have died.  The suicide returns to life in more or less the same state as they existed in before their suicide.  Alas, their suicides inform their universes that they are very unhappy with what they have, so they tend to lose most of what they had before they killed themselves, unless they have guardians or custodians who may help them to keep their belongings and maintain their relationships.

A billionaire who kills themselves may return to life and become a pauper in just a few days.

Someone with many close friends and family may lose less of their material wealth if they kill themselves, because their friends and family may sometimes act as guardians or custodians to help preserve their property.  However, suicides also often ruin their closest relationships.

The deaths of suicides in particular, may ruin relationships, however any death, in general, may also damage or ruin close relationships.

Every time you die the people whom love you most are hurt.  The more frequently you *choose* to die, the more deeply members of your family or friends may be hurt.

Everyone dies countless unremembered deaths, but the deaths of suicides leave much deeper impressions on people, impressions that are rarely understood but which serve to alienate people.  In whatever universes where a suicide finds themselves when they return to life, those people who are emotionally closest to them may become more alienated from them even though their family or friends are unlikely to be consciously aware that their loved one has killed themselves in an alternate universe.

Even though suicides return to their lives and carry on as if they had not died, suicides also leave behind worlds in alternate universes in which they no are no longer incarnate beings; worlds in which their lovers, families, friends and other associates may have been deeply hurt by the deaths of someone they loved who killed themselves.

When someone kills themselves they leave a corpse in one universe and return to life in another universe in a new body.  Their new body is virtually indistinguishable from the body they killed.

Nothing seems to have changed for the suicide or the people they know, however, in the universes where the suicide dies the people who mourn their loss are in pain, and that pain can carry over from one universe to another.

People close to a resurrected suicide feel their own pain bleeding over from those universes where the suicide has died into those universes where the suicide is still alive.  That transferred pain may insidiously alienate them from the person they love who has abandoned them in another universe by killing themselves.

People living with a loved one in universes where the loved one has returned from suicide may be unaware of their loved one’s suicide on any conscious level, however they may still feel some of the pain they are experiencing from those universes where their loved one has died by killing themselves.

Such people intuitively understand the pain they feel is related to the person they love who has killed themselves in an alternate universe.  This pain that has been transferred to them from another of themselves in another universe causes them to reflexively withdraw from their suicidal loved one.

A suicidal person can feel the withdrawal of their loved ones and this often increases their desire to kill themselves again.

Most suicides do not kill themselves only once; many suicides kill themselves repeatedly, injuring many of their closest relationships over, and over again.

It can be very difficult for suicidal people trapped in negative feedback loops to learn to motivate themselves to remain alive and to get on with their lives in a healthier manner.

Meanwhile, once a person has decided to kill themselves, it becomes easier to decide to kill themselves again, so not only is their motivation to kill themselves increased by the withdrawal of their closest relationships, but at the same time they are breaking down their inhibitions or reservations against killing themselves.  Consequently, suicidal people become prone to killing themselves more and more frequently.

This feedback loop actually increases the pain a suicidal person is feeling.  The suicidal person then makes themselves suffer more than they would if they had not killed themselves.

These are the reasons why we *strongly* advise people not to kill themselves.

It is impossible to escape pain or suffering by suicide, you can only make things worse for yourselves by killing yourselves.

We know this from our own personal experiences, having killed ourselves many, many times.

It’s bad enough we must die many times for reasons that may seem accidental, or for reasons that may be more homicidal than accidental, however, we should not need to add more to our pain by killing ourselves as well.

Dying hurts.

Each time we are dying we feel the people who love us most calling out to us, beseeching us to return, begging us not to leave them.  We feel all of their pain and the suffering they cause themselves when they grieve for us or mourn their loss.

The emotional pains of dying are far worse than any mere physical discomfort.  The emotional pains are so severe that they may sometimes help many suicidal people to change their minds about killing themselves.

However, those suicidal people who fail to change their minds may still go on to kill themselves.  Many of those who succeed in killing themselves may go on to kill themselves repeatedly until they become so numb to their own pain that they no longer care if they live or die and may then cease to kill themselves any more, not out of a will or desire to live, but out of apathy.

We ourselves have killed ourselves countless times, in every age of this incarnation, from womb to present.  We have left many graves in many worlds, we have abandoned many mourners who have grieved for us or who have suffered in the wakes of our passings.

Sometimes we find death useful.

Sometimes death can be a tool with which we may work on parts of ourselves that are difficult to change while we are alive.

Many aspects of peoples’ minds are in feedback relationships with their bodies or with other people.  Each person has many homeostatic regulatory systems which help to maintain not only their physical or spiritual health, but also their emotional and cognitive health, as well as the health of their relationships with other people.

Such homeostatic processes must be suspended to make particular changes to how various parts of our minds or bodies function.

Death is one means of suspending such homeostatic processes.  We do not happen to know of another, however, we strongly suspect that other methods exist.

<<<INTERRUPT>>> Other methods do exist.  A person who is an integrated member of a spiritual community may receive assistance with anything requiring homeostatic suspension through whatever prayers, meditations, or rituals are the conventional tools of their culture.
You have difficulty remembering this sort of thing because of your severe alienation.

Thank you Interruptor.

As is often the case, this leads us to yet another story that may be more appropriate in a separate post.

We believe we have sufficiently covered both points we initially set out to explain.

Laters, then, fer now…