Tag Archives: reality

TinYAP 030 — Doubt, Doubt, Our Fevered Minds Shout

We live in pain every day, physical, emotional, and psychic torments that we can never escape from except through the machinations of the puppets in our minds…

There are those terrible days when our entire world can melt away to reveal another world, a world in which we appear to have been locked away in some phantasmal mental hospital for the past 30 years or more, a world in which none of what we may believe we have perceived can be trusted to be real.

Too often, the more we consider such a possibility the more likely it seems to become.

If we really can allow no one to be real to us, then perhaps we can escape the inevitable pain that must result from our relationships with anyone and everyone we love.

How can we really know?

We are afraid to approach anyone we once knew who might know what really happened in our past; albeit even if they did seem to know, could we trust them to be informing us correctly?

When Alina died it seemed as if we died with her.

Of course, we might have been in a world of trouble long before we ever met Alina.

… sometimes we must wonder if Tina or Kelly has ever wondered whether Alina ever really existed?

On the one hand, it is only reasonable for any of our lovers to wonder about someone they could never know; on another hand our speculation might be some effort on our parts to uninvent Alina in order to distance ourselves from the pain of losing her, pain that might return with each new person we fall in love with.

On another hand we might be trying to distance ourselves from our fears that we may really have somehow killed Alina.  Perhaps she never killed herself, perhaps we killed her instead.

We can no longer be sure what is real, however as we listen to the story of ‘Shutter Island’ the portrayal of the protagonist’s extreme mental disorder feels very real to us and very personal to us as well, particularly in a metaphorical sense.  Shutter Island is a very scary story, particularly for anyone who might resemble a solipsist psychotic, such as we must sometimes consider ourselves to be, at least, in parts of ourselves.

For some 36 years now, Alina’s ghosts have stood like spectral shadows over all of our relationships, even with our newest girlfriend, Tina.

We have tried to consider this problem from Tina’s points of views.  Tina must choose what to believe and what not to believe with regard to what we may say about our past, there is no one Tina can go to who can reliably confirm or deny anything we may have said about our past.

Tina must answer disturbing questions such as ‘why do we have so few friends?’

Tina must ask why are our relationships with our past families so poor?

Tina must wonder why do our ex or our former step-children want nothing more to do with us?

There are no good answers to these questions that do not lead to finding us somehow suspect or unwholesome.  How can Tina ever be sure we were never a murderer or something worse?

It becomes possible for us to sometimes feel as if we have somehow murdered everyone we have ever loved.

Certainly we have murdered them in a metaphorical sense, in the sense that our relationships with the people we have most loved have all become so seriously estranged that we cannot relate to anyone we have ever loved without hurting both our loved ones and ourselves.

Our consistent isolation from our families, friends, peers, and various societies, have eroded our senses of who we may be, we have lacked any clear, reliable, externally sourced definitions of whom we may be that we may trust.

We have become a non-person, a tabula-rasa, a monster.

We naturally wish to believe we are a harmless, innocuous person; someone safe to introduce to your children, someone welcome to babysit them and tell them stories.

Of course, our apparent mental health issues may seem to rule out the possibility of such an innocent occasion ever arising with many people.  We cannot even be sure if we are someone we would trust with our own children, were we ever to have any.

We had told ourselves that we should never have children; then, in the nineties, we married into a ready-made family against all of our own best advice to ourselves, because we were lonely and had always wanted a family with kids.

We had a semi-idyllic life, half heaven, half hell; a life we could not sustain, a broken life we still could not heal.  So we hurt our wife and kids and eventually left them.

But before we left them, we learned to want to have our own kids, we learned that other parents are just as messed up as we were, if not worse.

So why shouldn’t we have kids?  Were we really protecting our kids from ourselves by never allowing them to be born?  Or would our children decide that the gifts of their lives were worth whatever prices we might later extract from them?

Are we grateful for our own lives and all the pain that has ensued?

Mostly we haven’t been very grateful; but then, one day everything changed for the better.

So how do we get back to those better days again?

Today we still hurt.

Today we wish we could hold Alina in our arms again to wash away all the hurtful things that have transpired from that terrible day she hanged herself until now, and still save all the best things in between, like Tina, Sid, our pets, and Megan.

So that is what we shall do, it may not have happened like that today, it may take us many eternities to get to that particular day, but there is nothing else we would rather do more.

It will happen that way, though we drag everyone we know through hell to get there.

It may be that we shall simply disappear one day; if so, we will not be found; just ask our ex, she complained that one day we stopped coming home, that the person walking through our door had become a stranger to her, someone she never loved and never would love.

We are sometimes sorry we are like that, but we do not yet know how to deliberately, agreeably, or decisively, change ourselves, nor do we trust that anyone else knows how we may somehow successfully change ourselves any better than ourselves.

We live in a scary state of affairs where whatever still passes for realities these days continues to erode away all around us.

C’este la vie…


Love, Grigori Rho Gharveyn,
aka Greg Gourdian, Falcon, Chameleon, Roger Holler, etc., et al., ado…

TinYAP 025 — Rules, All About Knowledge, an Epistomological Farce ad-Absurdum…

Riddle: What is a rule if it is not broken?

About knowledge, we might say this, that we truly believe we know nothing.

However, by extension, if we find we must believe we know nothing, then we must either submit to the authority of whoever can prove their own knowledge, or we must conclude that no one else can know anything either, with the possible exception of someone like enough to a God or Goddess as to be indistinguishable from Them.

But lets not argue whether God exists or which God is the true God.  Not only might we insult The Goddess, by whatever names you may know Her by, but we may insult many other people as well, regardless of which God or Goddess they do or do not choose to believe in.

As it happens, we love all religions, even the religions without a god that are popularly labeled atheism.  To better understand our love please read Transcending Religions’ Meaning and Value, thanks.

If you tell us we must do as you say because you believe you know what we should do, while we, by our own assertions that we know nothing, cannot know what we should do, then we might reply that first you must make us believe that you know what we should do.

We might then inform you that we will know you know what we should do only if we consistently and infallibly profit by your advise without ever incurring any risks of any kind to ourselves.

Of course, you cannot fulfill this condition without putting us at risk; therefor, you cannot know what we should do, and therefor we should not do as you tell us, except, perhaps, if it profits us or if it pleases us.

The risk we are subject to if you can fulfill our conditions is that we must place ourselves in an inferior position to you, and accept that you have placed yourself in a superior position to us.

However, we also believe that it may be impossible for any person to honestly admit they know nothing, even though we may also believe that knowledge of any sort is impossible.

In a world where knowledge may be equated with power, we suspect that all people want to believe they are capable of knowing that whatever they have chosen to believe is really true.

If the existence of all knowledge can be in doubt, then anyone’s beliefs must also be in doubt.  In order to feel secure in their beliefs it is therefor necessary to create a myth about authorities, people with authentic knowledge, and then they must foist these authorities off on anyone who challenges their own knowledge.

We say ‘foist’ because, after all, if there is no real basis for knowledge, there can be no true authorities, all authority would be derived solely from whatever people dupe themselves into believing, which is fine, so long as no all-knowing god comes along and makes himself an exception. Otherwise, in the absence of some concrete evidence of a god’s existence, and the claims of that god regarding His knowledge, then we might say that belief in god becomes a case in point, or so an atheist might argue, anyways…

We choose to believe in many, many gods, an infinite number of them really, but we also call many of these gods by another name, human beings.

We hope you are enjoying your divinity, if your pleasure is your wish.

Have fun!

Please understand, we believe in ourselves.  We know we are fallible, but we also know that we are a divine being, just as you are.  We share what we believe is useful information for anyone interested in challenging their own assumptions about the nature of reality.  We do not say that what we have experienced is real, only that it has seemed real to us.
What we do say is that you should define your own realities for yourselves, and not allow yourselves to be the tools of a civilization that was hurtling to its death only a short time ago, and which, by the inertia of its homeostatic processes, will still appear to be hurtling towards certain total global annihilation for some more or less short time to come, a time that may most likely be measured in decades, but not many.
As we see it, everyone died recently, not only you or all of yourselves, but all of ourselves as well.
But, of course, that is another story, or perhaps many stories.  We leave it up to you to tell your own stories of how you may have recently died.


Some additional thoughts about knowledge…

Anyone who takes an introductory course in philosophy should understand the arguments regarding the possible non-existence of all knowledge, but most people will never choose to believe the arguments in favor, and instead follow the arguments that discus what the properties of knowledge must be as if knowledge must really exist.
What makes this funny, of course, or sad, is that the truth must be denied, regardless of whether it is true or not, in part because of what may be human nature, and in part because the power of every university and college depends on their knowledge and the skill by which they manipulate anyone who seeks to learn their knowledge.
And of course, at least as we see it, there can be no knowledge, all of their power is a sort of sham, a scam.
But then, so is everyone else’s power as well.
(We might consider strength to be more real, but most power seems to us be a some sort of illusion.)

On the other hand, the part that may be human nature often seems to compel people to seek authorities.  There is nothing like a seeker, they most often seem to see what they seek when the conditions suit them.  This is why it is too easy to become a sort of charlatan / guru.
Please note –
there are people we might consider real gurus whom we would never want to offend, but we love those who some may call charlatans as well, we find them very helpful in spite of themselves.
Fortunately, the homeostatic processes of the seeker may often remove them from a dangerous charlatan.  In the case of less dangerous charlatans, a community forms, and the community agrees on the authority of the charlatan, for them he is their genuine guru, and because he must live up to their expectations of wisdom they will usually fare reasonably well together, so long as they are not unfairly exploited or otherwise harmed.

WE do not wish to be a guru or a charlatan.  We are a more along the lines of a poet-visionary.  Where you may allow our visions to lead you is your journey.  Our journey is our own.  But where we may walk together in peace and love we are always grateful for your divine company.


Riddle answer: a rule never broken is useless, so therefor all rules must be broken.